Sunday, 8 January 2017

We've Moved to Wordpress! :D

For a long time now, I have been unhappy with this blog. I just do not like the layout and I have been unable to figure out how to change it. I want to stick to space-themed, but maybe more of a cartoon-y type of planet space than a galaxy? I'm just unhappy with a lot of things to do with this blog, although I am not going to stop posting on here completely. I think I have put too much into this just to stop. I want to keep the memories (and I don't think you can delete blogger blogs, can you?). 

My friend introduced to me Wordpress, of which you can follow my new blog here, where I just want to try things out. I enjoy the layout a lot more. It's a lot easier to navigate so far. I haven't properly set it up yet, the layout will not stay as it is...I am going to add some layouts later. I just want to make it public for anyone who follows here and is wondering why I'm not active anymore or as much. 

Just wanted to write that super quick and if you can tell me any advice at all, I'll cherish it. Thank you.  

Sunday, 1 January 2017

2017 Goals/Resolutions (quite a long post, sorry)

I can't say I have ever, once, in my entire short life of making goals and resolutions stuck with those goals and resolutions. It just feels productive and fun to make them though, doesn't it? Every year, I manage to stick to them for at least a couple of weeks into January and sometimes even into February but by March it definitely falls flat. Instead of picking it back up again, I just give up and make new small goals to work on that also ultimately fail! As far as production value goes, 2016 has probably been my worst year yet - although, saying that, I am doing pretty well with work for my Level 2 course at college and that was one of the goals I made myself halfway through the year! 

1. Pay Some Attention to CrankyAutistic! 

An overview of this blog for 2016 is that I only posted 34 times throughout the entire year, which is appalling! Hardly any work has been thrown into this at all. I believe a big reason for that has probably been the fact that I started college and I've had a bit of a social life, at least earlier on in the year I did. I won't let myself off too much, though, because I have had time to post and, like I have time to do assignments, I just decide to do other non-productive things instead! 

As a quick overview of the kind of posts I did and how much of a failure I've been concerning the blog:

January - light-hearted posts (toy collecting, picture everyday)
Febuary - hauls and tags, Marfan Syndrome awareness post 
March - A post about difficulties with writing
April - Goals I wanted to make for the rest of the year 
May - Depression post, lot of book posts. 
June - Orlando shooting post, book summary.
August - Comic book/graphic novel review and a movie review 
October - sexual health clinic experience and disliking some men.
November/December - mental health and contraception overviews. 

I think I slowly went into talking more about topics that matter, such as raising awareness for syndromes other people might not have heard about before. I used to write about hauls and things and although I really like to show other people what I bought in hopes other people might be interested (people I know rarely are) I started to come to the conclusion I was not enjoying it that much. It just wasn't interesting me, I'm sure it wasn't interesting any readers, and I think I've given that up the time being. That may be why you didn't see a Christmas haul post from me this year! Don't think I've done of those in a while, actually. I may have deleted the one I did in 2015 because it doesn't exist anymore if I ever did write it.

I started to be more open about my life, sexually and mentally mostly. I don't like how they are taboo subjects and, especially with the death of mental health advocate Carrie Fisher, I don't want to be silent about it and make it seem like it's something I am embarrassed or ashamed of. I'm not sure how to talk about them but I want all the highs and lows out there for the world to try to understand. 

I also think it's important to talk about things like feminism, syndrome awareness, etc. I don't like just talking about make-up or books, even though I will still post about them because I love them. Especially books. They're not the sort of things I usually read about, though, nor my favourites to write about. 

I will try to aim for one blog post a week. It will probably come out on a Sunday every week. That just seems more manageable. The topic will be anything I want it to be about. If I decide to do a picture-everyday, I'll probably post them up here or on my personal Facebook. If I do post them here, then you'll be getting a blog post everyday (or I might take the picture and decide to write the posts later on days where I can't write) as well as the extra post on Sunday. That sounds like a little too much to me, but it wouldn't be a challenge if it was easy. We'll see what happens in the new year. It'll be a surprise for us both. 

2. Drink More Water 

I currently drink up to 4 cans of Coke per day and I very rarely ever drink water. It makes me sick quite often, as you can imagine, and I think it's pure luck I still have my teeth and my kidneys. Well, actually one of my teeth started to fall apart and I am still waiting on that dentist appointment. That should have been enough of a warning for me to stop and take a step back! 

I'm not sure how I will achieve this. I think I will buy a water bottle, that would be a good start, and tell myself to drink a certain amount of water bottle measurements everyday. I might add some fruit to make it taste a bit better but I can't continue the way I am! 

3. Eat Smaller Portions/Eat More Fruit & Veg 

I stopped believing in diets long ago when all they ever seemed to do was make me gain weight. Instead, I am doing something different and that is just eating less instead of these massive portions of fried food and greasy goodness. I'll add some more colour to my plate! I'll try to snack on fruit instead of crisps and chocolate and whatever is in our cupboards like Pot Noodles. I'll talk more in depth about my weight problems another day (probably my post for next Sunday) but it's something I really need to start considering making a change on and soon. 

4. Read More 

It may have seemed like I read a lot this year but a lot of it was just filler stuff, like comic books. I'm not saying reading comics are a bad thing and I am certainly going to continue reading them if I can find somewhere to read them again but I am reading less and less. I have seemed to have given up on reading young adult fiction because of their lack of diversity, promotion of abusive relationships and their cliches after cliches. I have started reading things I wouldn't normally read, like the first book of Game of Thrones that I actually quite enjoyed, and I think I might dedicate my evenings shortly before I go to bed to reading a chapter or two. I might actually find it quite calming, who knows. 

5. Spend Less Time on Social Media 

I am extremely active on social media. I go to the toilet and spend ten minutes scrolling down a social media app. I am constantly attached to my phone and feel aggravated and nervous without it. Whenever I try to spend an hour not on it I get nervous. I spend less time reading probably because of social media. I rarely do anything outside of a laptop or a phone. I have a puzzle I have not touched. I have music I never just sit down and listen to. I have a room to clean. Journals I could write in. Drawing I could be doing. Self-improvments of any kind that don't involve spending all my time attached to devices. 

These are all the goals I plan to have for now. Like last year, I am probably going to post about some new goals I want to add when I give up on these ones! I'll try to remember to update you on how they are going, especially concerning weight loss and healthy living because it's something really important that I feel is better done together. I would love to know what you plan on accomplishing for the new year and I'll see you next Sunday. 

Friday, 30 December 2016

Well, 2016 sucked

Okay, just to clarify, I have a lot of brain fog. Being able to speak and write sentences that actually make sense haven't been my forte as of late and for that I apologize and although this may make sense to me, it probably won't make much sense to other people. The grammar/punctuation/spelling may infuriate. It's just one of the many side effects of being mentally ill, I'm afraid. 

We lost a lot of people this year. The Orlando gay-club shooting. Christina Grimmie. Syria. Carrie Fisher. Alan Rickman. David Bowie. In no order, and just to name a few. It was an absolutely devastating year. To top it of, Brexit and Trump are in our future so even that looks dim and we all just have to hold on to hope and our own optimism to make the next few years great for us despite outside sources. 

For me, personally, I started off the year on a high note. I remember that I was visiting my grandparents' house. I was looking out of the window in awe at the fireworks, smiling into the moonlight and the beautiful bright stars thinking about the wonderful year I was about to have because hell, I was going to make it happen...wasn't I?


What happened instead was, basically, a series of unfortunate events and stupid mistakes that I take most of the blame for. 

I did some pretty amazing things during these mistakes, though. I can't just ignore those. I made three coach journeys this year via National Express. All of them were for about fourteen hours each. I left my home town, made several stops before I reached the destination. On those stops, the longest was for about two hours in a very busy city. This is quite a challenge for someone who is autistic/has social anxiety. 

I had my first kiss, my first sexual/romantic experiences in person and I lost my virginity (although I didn't really lose anything). Shortly after that, I am now in my first "proper" relationship with someone who I adore - even if he is a bit of an idiot. 

I finished my first year at college and went into my second year, and I am struggling quite a lot mentally with it but I have high hopes I'll get out alive. I return to college Tuesday of next week and I intend to hand in a form that requests to join Level 3 but this time, instead of Animal Care, it's for Animal Management. I am both dreading it and I am excited for it (and nervous that I won't get accepted at all). I feel a bit insecure that I'm 20 and still in education, and not university either.

I cut off toxic relationships completely. I'm endlessly happy they are not in my life anymore even though at the time I thought I couldn't be without them. I am fine without them. Much better, even. 

I finally got contraception, and the implant which is the one I wanted the most. I was meant to write some posts updating you the affects it has on me and how it feels and what it did to my periods but I've just fallen a bit behind on that, as I have with most things really. 

I now have some mental health appointments I attend. My next one isn't until the 12th and I have been holding things back but I think I can't get proper help without being completely honest so I'll have to try that. I'm grateful I finally receive some form of help as it's been a long time coming. 

I read about thirty-odd books this year. The rest, which added up to about seventy I believed, were comic books which is a recent interest of mine that I picked up this year and I am in love with them. They are perfect for when I want to read and want to admire art without taking too much energy from me that I do not have to give out. I have been in a reading slump since early summer, so I might ease myself into it via comic books!

I lost a close relationship I made in Febuary but gained some balls and contacted him. I contacted a few friends I had lost and only two, this one included, accepted my apology and I'm so happy that I made that challenging leap. 

Bad things happened, too, of course. You can't live a whole 12 months without that happening! 

I went through a break-up and it dragged out for months because I was unable to cut him out of my life. I managed to end our "friendship" the day after my 20th birthday in August and I was absolutely heartbroken for a few hours as he admitted in the argument that he had fallen in love with another girl and the reason we ended was because "he wasn't ready for a relationship". The lies hurt, too. I slept, woke up and was fine! The next month, my first month back at college, I met my current boyfriend through a mutual friend (his cousin) so it all ended up okay - we got together at the end of October. 

I lost my two best friends I had met in my first year of college, my first real life friends and the first friends I had a mutual connection with. It was entirely my fault, a mean joke that I never intended to be mean and they got upset and it turned into a nasty argument that we haven't been able to recover from.  I miss seeing messages from them. I miss spending time with them during our breaks and messing about during our classes like we're school children. I miss our heart to hearts. I miss our memories, the time we spent together, and how we can't make more. Most of all, it hurts seeing their life go on and I am not a part of it anymore. I hope one day they can come back, and I hate how they have cut themselves out of my boyfriends' life too (as he was part of it), it hurts us both. I can have hope. 

My mental health took a dark turn. I self-harmed. I cried and lost my shit in college and I never break in front of other people even though I am open about my struggles. 

I lost an awful lot of people this year, most of them just some good online friends. Some of it was via arguments and some of it was just because we didn't speak anymore. I miss seeing their names pop up on my phone screen. 

I went through an awful lot of men/half-assed "relationships" this year that took a massive toll on me and even though I'm in a happy relationship now I'm constantly on edge it won't last long! 

I did not spend much, if any, time on my blog. The aesthetic hasn't improved and nor has my content. I don't want it to get super successful. but I do want to develop a small community just to converse back and forth. I would love some feedback on my posts and I never get any. I don't market, I don't try to promote my blog at all, because I have no faith in myself and what I write and my style of writing. It needs improving and that's another reason why I want feedback.

I went through some tough times concerning my body image and I'm still struggling with that massively (no pun intended). I intend to be healthier in the new year, you'll see any goals I'm planning to make in my 2016 goals/resolutions post which should (should) be up on the first of January. 

There's probably a whole bunch I am forgetting here but this is the basic run-down. I want to put more effort into my blog is what the outcome of 2017 should be, one of the most important projects I want to work on, but juggling that with my relationship and college I have been finding difficult and sometimes you have to pick and choose what you should prioritize in order to make things mentally easier on yourself! 

I've also done something pretty big that should pop up in about two months? Maybe earlier/later. Big for me, anyway. I am super nervous about it. It is a way to promote by blog, spread awareness of female autism and take advantage of an opportunity that I know I can do - even if I don't believe in myself. If I remember to (which I probably will this time), I will post the thingy here when it happens and explain it in a bit more detail although it is pretty detailed in itself. I just didn't add everything I wanted to talk about. There was a limited amount of space and I can write and write and write. Too much, sometimes. 

That's my basic run down of 2016. I hope yours went better. See you in a couple of days!

Sunday, 18 December 2016

Six Days Till Christmas! - Mental Health

Hey! It's Sunday! It's a week until Christmas! Are you excited?! Because I am very excited. The only problem I am currently facing is mental health worries - as you know if you suffer from a mental illness, they don't follow plans and sometimes it doesn't matter if everything is falling into place they will strike and attack anyway. 

I don't much remember last Christmas very well, but I do know I woke up feeling less than my best. I was excited, I love watching my little brother (then 5) open presents and be so happy Santa came and he would sit and play with things all day. I was also putting on an act because I know how much my mother values Christmas, and how she is as sensitive as I am so a little thing like a facial expression change could make her upset. She put so much thought into her gifts, too, and I wanted her to know I appreciated it. 

I remember a Christmas before that where I spent the whole day really upset, drunk and crying the whole day. A reason I don't think I was ever able to identify. I just wasn't feeling very good that morning, and it continued for the rest of the day. 

I'm worried I won't be feeling very good next Sunday, because I haven't been lately. I'm gradually getting better, then I drop, then I get better again. I'm just hoping Sunday isn't one of those "bad days". I just feel like there's a lot of pressure to be happy, when being happy isn't completely possible for me, around this time of year. 

If anyone else is struggling with that side of things, then I can sympathize and I understand. Hope you have a good Christmas though! Just a quick little mental health post. 

Thursday, 8 December 2016

Mental Health Appointments #2 & #3

Me being me, I completely forgot to tell you how my two appointments following up the first appointment went and our progress. It's not a "all hope is lost" situation, but I am fearing that it is a "she also doesn't believe I'm anything but 'feeling low'" type of situation. A lot of mental health specialists also don't really separate my autism from me as a person and what I experience and it creates a barrier with receiving better help or even a further diagnosis (as depression/anxiety are 'symptoms' of autism, but it's more like they are caused by autism rather than being part of it). 

Our second appointment was in a different building (and because all 3 appointments have been in different rooms, it's a lot easier to separate them and know what each individual session was about...yay for shit memories). It was really short, and we basically discussed what went on during the week since our last session. 

I'm quite disappointed in myself because, even though I had a couple of breakdowns earlier in that week and felt really low (as you know because of a couple of posts I did between then and now, I deleted the second post) but instead I just said to her "Yeah, yeah, I'm totally fine and it's been a great ass week!". Couldn't be further from the truth, I just wasn't feeling as shit as I had been so at that point in time I was fine and so I said I was fine. I'm terrible at talking about my feelings with people I'm close with, never mind complete strangers. 

What my task was this week - because, by the way, I had forgotten the diary that explained all these negative feelings I had felt during the past week that I would have been unable to say because I am a dumbass - she set a new task of writing five things everyday that have made me happy, no matter how small. 

This was a lot harder than it sounds. Especially on the days where I didn't much feel like getting up or I had an argument with a close friend/boyfriend, anything like that. It was really dumb things and on the third appointment, I felt so shit handing it in like "Yeah, my list that day was just "stuffed crust pizza for dinner" but it did make me think about one thing - anything that makes you happy, no matter how small, is important and means something. Even if you think it's stupid. 

I have been assigned the same task for this week. I am also struggling to come up with things, but it is a useful thing to do and I think after these sessions are over (with little to no improvement, I feel...) I will continue the weekly "five things that make me happy" either in my personal journal or here because I feel that, although small, it does make a difference. 

The third appointment was far cozier. In a better room, lasted longer. We discussed anxiety, the negative voices in my head, but was again met with the same response I receive regularly - "Everyone has those, but for someone who is a negative person, it happens more often". That's the thing I most want to get through to people. I am fairly optimistic and hopeful and always look on the bright side of things and see good in every heart, but there is a lot of darkness inside me, something else living in me (depression/anxiety) that is not welcome and does not live under my rule or control. It is not the thoughts and feelings of everyone, it is not me purposely being negative or a debby downer. I fight these thoughts with the best of my ability, and I try to get help for them if not to get rid of them but learn how to cope and deal with them. It's hard trying to get someone in the world to take me seriously. 

My forth session is in the same place at 2pm (another thing I hate about these sessions is that they take place during my last class in college on Tuesdays, resulting in a lower attendance because I miss a class and I'm not sure how to record that absence...) on Tuesday next week and this time I will try to remember to write about it here and tell you how it went and one of the things you might expect if you are trying to get help for your mental illness/illnesses too. 

Wednesday, 23 November 2016

More Complaining, Sorry

I actually really like the new blogger layout. Do you know when you first go onto the website and it has that...starter page? My brain is mush, I'm trying here, I just have to hope you get what I mean. If you don't blog but you just like to read blogs (in which case, how unusual to me!) then you really won't know what I'm talking about but its neat. 

So, what I wanted to complain about. Well, everything, today was shit. I know it's Thanksgiving tomorrow for America and in case I don't post anything tomorrow than happy Thanksgiving (not entirely sure what my viewpoint is on Thanksgiving, especially with everything going on lately, but I wish you a good day regardless). 

I had a...disagreement with a friend about two weeks ago. Started with me saying a joke to my boyfriend. Said boyfriend, because he's a bit of an idiot sometimes, shared this with said friend because he thought she would find it funny. She actually said (the friend) a few weeks before this that the kind of joke I said (dark humor) made her uncomfortable and she didn't find it funny which is perfectly fine so I haven't. She saw the screenshot of the joke, thought it wasn't funny and told everyone and got really angry and turned into a bully. 

Because of this, she made into this really big deal and something I thought only happened in high school and not college, she started to spread rumors around. Some of the people she knows and some of her/her boyfriends (and also my boyfriends, they're cousins) family started giving me death glares, making mean comments, etc etc. She knows I'm autistic, and therefore knows my communication is bad so A) can easily be misunderstood and B) can't stand up for myself. I also can't make/keep friends very easily, so she knows my connections/friendship circle is extremely small. She's basically being a twat because she knows she can get away with it. 

I didn't want to do this because I thought we could (like fucking adults) settle it between the two of us and our boyfriends. I guess she wasn't okay with that, though, now she's turned it into a bigger issue by bringing more people into it. 

I get less sleep (don't take my sleep, god damn you) because I have a really early appointment in the morning with our...dude who deals with bullying. Again, my brain is mush. It's 8:15am. Yeah. After that, I don't finish until 4pm because I have work experience. I'm also four days behind on that, so that's another stress I have on my shoulders. Not a big one, but little rocks get really heavy. 

Basically, this whole thing made me realize I'm quite happy not having friends. I don't want to drag her down with me, but the whole point of seeing this officer is so I can hopefully get this to stop. I can try to. I don't really know what to do. I didn't want to get out of this bed as it was. 

-Tina groan-

Tuesday, 22 November 2016

Mental Health Appointment #1

If you read my post previous to this, you would know I am experiencing some mental health problems. I was referred to an assessment mental health specialist appointment this morning for 45 minutes and also received the information that this will be going on for six weeks to see whether or not I have depression.

I and most close to me understand that I do probably have depression and I feel somewhat under pressure for the next five weeks to make sure that this professional listens to me and what I have to say and hopefully we can come to the conclusion of a diagnosis and then following that (hopefully) getting the help that I need - although getting the help I need for social anxiety has not been an easy task, despite the diagnosis. I hope it'll help though.

She basically called out my name as soon as I got into the doctor's surgery where this appointment was being held. Bad thing because this meant calling attention to the people in the waiting room rather than the usual system, which is a little thing on the wall that beeps and then shows your name in lights and the room number you have to go to and wait outside of. Good thing because it meant not waiting in said room filled with people.

We went into a room and, basically instantly, I handed her the notes that I had made throughout the week that I had deleted and rewritten. I felt really stupid but apparently this was good because it helped her and she also didn't have to make extra notes, she could put it into her file to help come to a conclusion. She sort of read them out and I felt extremely nervous about that considering my mother was in the room with me. I might have to reconsider that decision next time.

We talked about all these problems I have been experiencing briefly but not in such great detail that I wanted to cry while discussing them. By the end of the appointment, we had set up another one for next week during the afternoon on either a Tuesday or a Thursday (you'll know when the update post goes up). It's set for another 45 minutes and, this time, I think I'll try to be more descriptive about my experiences with this.

Between now and then, I have to fill in a diary about my emotions and what I'm feeling, what I was doing at the time and things like that. I'm not sure what's relevant and what isn't relevant so again I feel a bit silly when I do have to hand it in, especially because it's so pathetic to me and a lot of people go through much worse things than "Oh, I was really anxious because I opened my door today", you know?

Anyway, I might post little snips of what the diary has in it and I might not. It depends, really, on how this week pans out. For now, though, I'll see you next time.