Friday 30 December 2016

Well, 2016 sucked

Okay, just to clarify, I have a lot of brain fog. Being able to speak and write sentences that actually make sense haven't been my forte as of late and for that I apologize and although this may make sense to me, it probably won't make much sense to other people. The grammar/punctuation/spelling may infuriate. It's just one of the many side effects of being mentally ill, I'm afraid. 

We lost a lot of people this year. The Orlando gay-club shooting. Christina Grimmie. Syria. Carrie Fisher. Alan Rickman. David Bowie. In no order, and just to name a few. It was an absolutely devastating year. To top it of, Brexit and Trump are in our future so even that looks dim and we all just have to hold on to hope and our own optimism to make the next few years great for us despite outside sources. 

For me, personally, I started off the year on a high note. I remember that I was visiting my grandparents' house. I was looking out of the window in awe at the fireworks, smiling into the moonlight and the beautiful bright stars thinking about the wonderful year I was about to have because hell, I was going to make it happen...wasn't I?

Nope. 

What happened instead was, basically, a series of unfortunate events and stupid mistakes that I take most of the blame for. 

I did some pretty amazing things during these mistakes, though. I can't just ignore those. I made three coach journeys this year via National Express. All of them were for about fourteen hours each. I left my home town, made several stops before I reached the destination. On those stops, the longest was for about two hours in a very busy city. This is quite a challenge for someone who is autistic/has social anxiety. 

I had my first kiss, my first sexual/romantic experiences in person and I lost my virginity (although I didn't really lose anything). Shortly after that, I am now in my first "proper" relationship with someone who I adore - even if he is a bit of an idiot. 

I finished my first year at college and went into my second year, and I am struggling quite a lot mentally with it but I have high hopes I'll get out alive. I return to college Tuesday of next week and I intend to hand in a form that requests to join Level 3 but this time, instead of Animal Care, it's for Animal Management. I am both dreading it and I am excited for it (and nervous that I won't get accepted at all). I feel a bit insecure that I'm 20 and still in education, and not university either.

I cut off toxic relationships completely. I'm endlessly happy they are not in my life anymore even though at the time I thought I couldn't be without them. I am fine without them. Much better, even. 

I finally got contraception, and the implant which is the one I wanted the most. I was meant to write some posts updating you the affects it has on me and how it feels and what it did to my periods but I've just fallen a bit behind on that, as I have with most things really. 

I now have some mental health appointments I attend. My next one isn't until the 12th and I have been holding things back but I think I can't get proper help without being completely honest so I'll have to try that. I'm grateful I finally receive some form of help as it's been a long time coming. 

I read about thirty-odd books this year. The rest, which added up to about seventy I believed, were comic books which is a recent interest of mine that I picked up this year and I am in love with them. They are perfect for when I want to read and want to admire art without taking too much energy from me that I do not have to give out. I have been in a reading slump since early summer, so I might ease myself into it via comic books!

I lost a close relationship I made in Febuary but gained some balls and contacted him. I contacted a few friends I had lost and only two, this one included, accepted my apology and I'm so happy that I made that challenging leap. 

Bad things happened, too, of course. You can't live a whole 12 months without that happening! 

I went through a break-up and it dragged out for months because I was unable to cut him out of my life. I managed to end our "friendship" the day after my 20th birthday in August and I was absolutely heartbroken for a few hours as he admitted in the argument that he had fallen in love with another girl and the reason we ended was because "he wasn't ready for a relationship". The lies hurt, too. I slept, woke up and was fine! The next month, my first month back at college, I met my current boyfriend through a mutual friend (his cousin) so it all ended up okay - we got together at the end of October. 

I lost my two best friends I had met in my first year of college, my first real life friends and the first friends I had a mutual connection with. It was entirely my fault, a mean joke that I never intended to be mean and they got upset and it turned into a nasty argument that we haven't been able to recover from.  I miss seeing messages from them. I miss spending time with them during our breaks and messing about during our classes like we're school children. I miss our heart to hearts. I miss our memories, the time we spent together, and how we can't make more. Most of all, it hurts seeing their life go on and I am not a part of it anymore. I hope one day they can come back, and I hate how they have cut themselves out of my boyfriends' life too (as he was part of it), it hurts us both. I can have hope. 

My mental health took a dark turn. I self-harmed. I cried and lost my shit in college and I never break in front of other people even though I am open about my struggles. 

I lost an awful lot of people this year, most of them just some good online friends. Some of it was via arguments and some of it was just because we didn't speak anymore. I miss seeing their names pop up on my phone screen. 

I went through an awful lot of men/half-assed "relationships" this year that took a massive toll on me and even though I'm in a happy relationship now I'm constantly on edge it won't last long! 

I did not spend much, if any, time on my blog. The aesthetic hasn't improved and nor has my content. I don't want it to get super successful. but I do want to develop a small community just to converse back and forth. I would love some feedback on my posts and I never get any. I don't market, I don't try to promote my blog at all, because I have no faith in myself and what I write and my style of writing. It needs improving and that's another reason why I want feedback.

I went through some tough times concerning my body image and I'm still struggling with that massively (no pun intended). I intend to be healthier in the new year, you'll see any goals I'm planning to make in my 2016 goals/resolutions post which should (should) be up on the first of January. 

There's probably a whole bunch I am forgetting here but this is the basic run-down. I want to put more effort into my blog is what the outcome of 2017 should be, one of the most important projects I want to work on, but juggling that with my relationship and college I have been finding difficult and sometimes you have to pick and choose what you should prioritize in order to make things mentally easier on yourself! 

I've also done something pretty big that should pop up in about two months? Maybe earlier/later. Big for me, anyway. I am super nervous about it. It is a way to promote by blog, spread awareness of female autism and take advantage of an opportunity that I know I can do - even if I don't believe in myself. If I remember to (which I probably will this time), I will post the thingy here when it happens and explain it in a bit more detail although it is pretty detailed in itself. I just didn't add everything I wanted to talk about. There was a limited amount of space and I can write and write and write. Too much, sometimes. 

That's my basic run down of 2016. I hope yours went better. See you in a couple of days!

Sunday 18 December 2016

Six Days Till Christmas! - Mental Health

Hey! It's Sunday! It's a week until Christmas! Are you excited?! Because I am very excited. The only problem I am currently facing is mental health worries - as you know if you suffer from a mental illness, they don't follow plans and sometimes it doesn't matter if everything is falling into place they will strike and attack anyway. 

I don't much remember last Christmas very well, but I do know I woke up feeling less than my best. I was excited, I love watching my little brother (then 5) open presents and be so happy Santa came and he would sit and play with things all day. I was also putting on an act because I know how much my mother values Christmas, and how she is as sensitive as I am so a little thing like a facial expression change could make her upset. She put so much thought into her gifts, too, and I wanted her to know I appreciated it. 

I remember a Christmas before that where I spent the whole day really upset, drunk and crying the whole day. A reason I don't think I was ever able to identify. I just wasn't feeling very good that morning, and it continued for the rest of the day. 

I'm worried I won't be feeling very good next Sunday, because I haven't been lately. I'm gradually getting better, then I drop, then I get better again. I'm just hoping Sunday isn't one of those "bad days". I just feel like there's a lot of pressure to be happy, when being happy isn't completely possible for me, around this time of year. 

If anyone else is struggling with that side of things, then I can sympathize and I understand. Hope you have a good Christmas though! Just a quick little mental health post. 

Thursday 8 December 2016

Mental Health Appointments #2 & #3

Me being me, I completely forgot to tell you how my two appointments following up the first appointment went and our progress. It's not a "all hope is lost" situation, but I am fearing that it is a "she also doesn't believe I'm anything but 'feeling low'" type of situation. A lot of mental health specialists also don't really separate my autism from me as a person and what I experience and it creates a barrier with receiving better help or even a further diagnosis (as depression/anxiety are 'symptoms' of autism, but it's more like they are caused by autism rather than being part of it). 

Our second appointment was in a different building (and because all 3 appointments have been in different rooms, it's a lot easier to separate them and know what each individual session was about...yay for shit memories). It was really short, and we basically discussed what went on during the week since our last session. 

I'm quite disappointed in myself because, even though I had a couple of breakdowns earlier in that week and felt really low (as you know because of a couple of posts I did between then and now, I deleted the second post) but instead I just said to her "Yeah, yeah, I'm totally fine and it's been a great ass week!". Couldn't be further from the truth, I just wasn't feeling as shit as I had been so at that point in time I was fine and so I said I was fine. I'm terrible at talking about my feelings with people I'm close with, never mind complete strangers. 

What my task was this week - because, by the way, I had forgotten the diary that explained all these negative feelings I had felt during the past week that I would have been unable to say because I am a dumbass - she set a new task of writing five things everyday that have made me happy, no matter how small. 

This was a lot harder than it sounds. Especially on the days where I didn't much feel like getting up or I had an argument with a close friend/boyfriend, anything like that. It was really dumb things and on the third appointment, I felt so shit handing it in like "Yeah, my list that day was just "stuffed crust pizza for dinner" but it did make me think about one thing - anything that makes you happy, no matter how small, is important and means something. Even if you think it's stupid. 

I have been assigned the same task for this week. I am also struggling to come up with things, but it is a useful thing to do and I think after these sessions are over (with little to no improvement, I feel...) I will continue the weekly "five things that make me happy" either in my personal journal or here because I feel that, although small, it does make a difference. 

The third appointment was far cozier. In a better room, lasted longer. We discussed anxiety, the negative voices in my head, but was again met with the same response I receive regularly - "Everyone has those, but for someone who is a negative person, it happens more often". That's the thing I most want to get through to people. I am fairly optimistic and hopeful and always look on the bright side of things and see good in every heart, but there is a lot of darkness inside me, something else living in me (depression/anxiety) that is not welcome and does not live under my rule or control. It is not the thoughts and feelings of everyone, it is not me purposely being negative or a debby downer. I fight these thoughts with the best of my ability, and I try to get help for them if not to get rid of them but learn how to cope and deal with them. It's hard trying to get someone in the world to take me seriously. 

My forth session is in the same place at 2pm (another thing I hate about these sessions is that they take place during my last class in college on Tuesdays, resulting in a lower attendance because I miss a class and I'm not sure how to record that absence...) on Tuesday next week and this time I will try to remember to write about it here and tell you how it went and one of the things you might expect if you are trying to get help for your mental illness/illnesses too. 


Wednesday 23 November 2016

More Complaining, Sorry

I actually really like the new blogger layout. Do you know when you first go onto the website and it has that...starter page? My brain is mush, I'm trying here, I just have to hope you get what I mean. If you don't blog but you just like to read blogs (in which case, how unusual to me!) then you really won't know what I'm talking about but its neat. 

So, what I wanted to complain about. Well, everything, today was shit. I know it's Thanksgiving tomorrow for America and in case I don't post anything tomorrow than happy Thanksgiving (not entirely sure what my viewpoint is on Thanksgiving, especially with everything going on lately, but I wish you a good day regardless). 

I had a...disagreement with a friend about two weeks ago. Started with me saying a joke to my boyfriend. Said boyfriend, because he's a bit of an idiot sometimes, shared this with said friend because he thought she would find it funny. She actually said (the friend) a few weeks before this that the kind of joke I said (dark humor) made her uncomfortable and she didn't find it funny which is perfectly fine so I haven't. She saw the screenshot of the joke, thought it wasn't funny and told everyone and got really angry and turned into a bully. 

Because of this, she made into this really big deal and something I thought only happened in high school and not college, she started to spread rumors around. Some of the people she knows and some of her/her boyfriends (and also my boyfriends, they're cousins) family started giving me death glares, making mean comments, etc etc. She knows I'm autistic, and therefore knows my communication is bad so A) can easily be misunderstood and B) can't stand up for myself. I also can't make/keep friends very easily, so she knows my connections/friendship circle is extremely small. She's basically being a twat because she knows she can get away with it. 

I didn't want to do this because I thought we could (like fucking adults) settle it between the two of us and our boyfriends. I guess she wasn't okay with that, though, now she's turned it into a bigger issue by bringing more people into it. 

I get less sleep (don't take my sleep, god damn you) because I have a really early appointment in the morning with our...dude who deals with bullying. Again, my brain is mush. It's 8:15am. Yeah. After that, I don't finish until 4pm because I have work experience. I'm also four days behind on that, so that's another stress I have on my shoulders. Not a big one, but little rocks get really heavy. 

Basically, this whole thing made me realize I'm quite happy not having friends. I don't want to drag her down with me, but the whole point of seeing this officer is so I can hopefully get this to stop. I can try to. I don't really know what to do. I didn't want to get out of this bed as it was. 

-Tina groan-

Tuesday 22 November 2016

Mental Health Appointment #1

If you read my post previous to this, you would know I am experiencing some mental health problems. I was referred to an assessment mental health specialist appointment this morning for 45 minutes and also received the information that this will be going on for six weeks to see whether or not I have depression.

I and most close to me understand that I do probably have depression and I feel somewhat under pressure for the next five weeks to make sure that this professional listens to me and what I have to say and hopefully we can come to the conclusion of a diagnosis and then following that (hopefully) getting the help that I need - although getting the help I need for social anxiety has not been an easy task, despite the diagnosis. I hope it'll help though.

She basically called out my name as soon as I got into the doctor's surgery where this appointment was being held. Bad thing because this meant calling attention to the people in the waiting room rather than the usual system, which is a little thing on the wall that beeps and then shows your name in lights and the room number you have to go to and wait outside of. Good thing because it meant not waiting in said room filled with people.

We went into a room and, basically instantly, I handed her the notes that I had made throughout the week that I had deleted and rewritten. I felt really stupid but apparently this was good because it helped her and she also didn't have to make extra notes, she could put it into her file to help come to a conclusion. She sort of read them out and I felt extremely nervous about that considering my mother was in the room with me. I might have to reconsider that decision next time.

We talked about all these problems I have been experiencing briefly but not in such great detail that I wanted to cry while discussing them. By the end of the appointment, we had set up another one for next week during the afternoon on either a Tuesday or a Thursday (you'll know when the update post goes up). It's set for another 45 minutes and, this time, I think I'll try to be more descriptive about my experiences with this.

Between now and then, I have to fill in a diary about my emotions and what I'm feeling, what I was doing at the time and things like that. I'm not sure what's relevant and what isn't relevant so again I feel a bit silly when I do have to hand it in, especially because it's so pathetic to me and a lot of people go through much worse things than "Oh, I was really anxious because I opened my door today", you know?

Anyway, I might post little snips of what the diary has in it and I might not. It depends, really, on how this week pans out. For now, though, I'll see you next time. 

Monday 21 November 2016

A Mental Health Post

The fact I look bad is meant to add to the whole depression theme, in case you think "Ew, did she not see everything wrong with her face", I did!

I don't remember if I've spoken about this before. I have a terrible memory lately due to the mental health problems, but there is a somewhat bright side. After months of pestering and asking for an appointment, we finally received one for tomorrow morning at 10am. If I feel up to it, I'll post a brief description of how I feel it went even the same day or later on throughout the week. 

I have depression, severe social anxiety and high functioning autism. Throughout a majority of the time I have been diagnosed, I have not been taken seriously. I have had to resort to self-diagnosing myself with depression as the only appointment I could get to discuss this (which lasted roughly 30 minutes, and I barely said a word) they basically put it down to hormones/unfortunate circumstances and have been doing this for over four years now whenever I try to bring it up or book an appointment. Well, actually, I still live with my mother and my mother has to do it because I do have severe social anxiety and having an angry phone call isn't on my list of "Things I Can Do". 

After joining college for a higher level/second year, I feel pressures I did not feel last year and when the simplest of tasks often feel like climbing a mountain, help is something I desire. I have broken down more times than I would like to admit. It dents my pride. It makes me feel like I can't handle this or cope with this without help, and it's a horrible feeling. 

There's also things, without the depression, that would have been difficult to cope with anyway - for example, upcoming presentations and work experience. For people who also have bad social anxiety, they will nod and understand the difficulties these will present and for others they will see it as a potential challenge but something that isn't almost impossibly to overcome. 

So, back to the point (I once got a comment, months ago, saying my posts are 'bouncy' and don't flow properly and I can totally see that and, months later, I still haven't improved very much...) I have decided to write a list of problems I have been experiencing and just hand it to her, as I feel like this is easier than talking about it. It also prevents the inevitable, and that is crying whenever we focus or talk about a particular topic - which I almost do in every one of these few appointments I have received over the past few years. 

I also have to attend this appointment with my mother and I know she doesn't read this blog so I can say this: it prevents me from talking about things that have happened in my past that she was involved in or knew about through fear she will get defensive or angry. She is not a bad mother and she has not done anything extremely awful, ever, but she has not been innocent and I have not been entirely honest about this with health professionals. I also do not like talking about my dad in front of her as my honest opinions on him and his parenting can cause negative emotion in my mother and she doesn't always have the abilities to control her anger (not abusive to me or to anyone in the household, no worries there). Saying that, she has had some negative impact on me that I would say is a decent proportion of why I am the way I am today and I feel like, by holding this back, I am holding back an accurate diagnosis and getting the help that I need. I do need her there, though, as my social anxiety is so bad talking to strangers is often half-impossible. 

As a twenty-year-old, I feel like I should not be struggling like this when I don't even have a job (I am trying but they hard to come by) and do not have any obligations other than attending college and doing housework at home. I do not live by myself, yet. Depression/anxiety is hard, no matter what, though and I can't even focus on autism because I don't know what kind of impact autism is having on my life. It's hard to cut up my personality away from my autism, they are intertwined. 

Anyway, if you read this far, thank you for listening and if you have any mental health struggles whatsoever then I wish you luck! 

Tuesday 15 November 2016

Dear New Readers

I doubt I have new readers. I don't even think I have readers at all, at this point. My posts only get about 11 views per post, but that happens almost instantly so I question whether those are even real people or just automatic computer monitoring or something? Occasionally I'll get a comment or a share and that inspires me to keep writing but I love writing so I'm sure I'd find something else to motivate me. I'm trying to write something in here everyday, however brief.

So, for new readers, I've decided to do an about me question-and-answer post. I have yet to update the tabs above this post that have an about me section on there but I'm sure by the time you get to this (if anyone ever does), then they will be updated. I used to run this blog with my then boyfriend, Austin, who I was in a serious relationship with. We broke up over a year ago now, but it still says "About Us" on it even though I have since then updated what is inside the tab. It used to be more of a book review and discussion type of blog and although I still do those from time to time it's more like a whatever I want to post type of blog. I don't think I need to add a genre although doing that would probably bring a target audience along if this blog has a specific topic or even purpose.

Anyway, before I ramble anymore and I'm not even being humorous let's get into this: (these were random questions taken from online and have no real order or anything, but that's a pretty good representation of me I think).

What is my Full Name?

Lorna Amranwen Parsons but I prefer to go by the nickname Loz and use my mothers last name, so Lorna Amranwen O'Connor. I think it not only sounds better but makes me somewhat make a statement that I'm more my mother than my dad.

What is Your Favourite Drink?

Coke or Tea (90% hot water, 10% milk in that order and obviously the teabag and the two and a half sugars go in first). I also really like smoothies and sometimes lemonade or Mountain Dew.

What is Your Favourite Song at the Moment?

"Can't Help Falling in Love With You" by Elvis, but really anyone who sings it well is a winner in my eyes.

What is Your Favourite Food?

Hmm...ooh, I don't know. I like food but I can't say I love it, I mostly just snack nowadays. I think probably Hunter's chicken (chicken wrapped in bacon and cheese and topped with BBQ sauce, usually served with fries or potato wedges or just a salad).

What is the Last Thing you Bought?

A Simpsons comic at my local charity shop. The excitement I felt when I saw them there on the shelf. There was also some Beano comics and my sister got one because my mother found one of her birth year and thought my sister would like it. Not sure if she does, I haven't yet asked!

Favourite Book of All Time?

I really don't have a favourite book. I love all books!

Favourite Colour?

Black, red, pink, blue.

Pets?

An almost 13yr old black feline named Tessa and I used to have a one year old called Boo, but she has since been...removed.

Foxy Tessa 
Favourite Perfume?

I never wear purfume although sometimes I do wear my mum's which comes in like a red apple bottle and I like it a lot.

Favourite Holiday?

Halloween and Christmas, I like to merge the two. Thank you, The Nightmare Before Christmas!

Are You Married?

I'm only twenty and I'm in a relationship but it's only been almost four weeks! I do hope to be married someday though.

How Many Siblings Do You Have?

My half-brother, Liam, 6. My sister, Catherine, 18.

Favourite Shop?

A really nice place called Vincent Davies and any charity stores, really.

Favourite Restaurant?

Weatherspoon's! Or Pizza Hut, maybe

When Was the Last Time You Cried?

Last night. Me and my now ex-best friend had a massive argument and I ended up having to block her and I'm still a bit upset about it, all a misunderstanding but she won't really listen and it was pointless waiting for her to calm down because I know her and her temper. She wasn't calming anytime soon.

Favourite Movie?

Anything Disney or Pixar, I probably love. Well, not too fond of The Little Mermaid but everything else I adore.

TV Show?

Once Upon A Time, Doctor Who, American Horror Story, Black Mirror, The Walking Dead, Breaking Bad...I love them all.

PC or Mac?

Never used an Apple computer so I'm going to go with PC.

What Phone Do You Have?

An IPhone 5S, I think it is?

How Tall Are You?

A short five foot seven!

Thank you for taking the time out of your life to read through this. It was very brief and quick, I know, but I want to answer more common and personal things in the About Me section of the tabs on this blog. I'll be updating it either later on tonight or I'll do it tomorrow morning before I head off to my college work experience! 














Monday 14 November 2016

Contraceptive (Etonogestrel) Implant Updates: 3 weeks

I would have no idea where to start with this one, I really don't. I guess I will start with the contraceptive update and if you live in the UK, then you can read through this link if you're interested in knowing more about my contraceptive implant or read my previous post about the experience of getting it and my first experience at a sexual health clinic (quite the little miracle for someone who is twenty years old, I know). I'll be talking through the side affects of it, basically. 

The first thing I noticed when the hormone started to release was mild acne. I have never experianced problems with spots before, but recently my face is covered in tiny little red demon monster...things. I have to actually wash my face everyday instead of just a couple of times a week now. The audacity, what has my life turned into? Nothing but a sham. 

Shortly following that, I experienced cramps but not like my ordinary period, omg-I-want/need-to-die cramps. It was in a different area (where my ovaries are) and was more like a dull throb/ache then anything. It was manageable,but sometimes I became frustrated because the pain never seemed to take bathroom breaks. I also experienced some mild headaches and stomach aches, but again nothing that isn't manageable. 

I 'suffered' from nausea beforehand. I've never been that great with nausea. I just seem to attract it, probably because my diet is 70% shit and the rest is soda. Again, used to it. Slightly more amplified than previously. 

It lowered my sex drive slightly but because it was already abnormally high, all it really did was bring it down to a more manageable level and maybe my lack of pleasure coming in was what ultimately resulted in mood swings and depressive episodes shortly after the release of the hormone. It was also followed by an increase of nerves, which is not good for someone who already suffers from an anxiety disorder.

I'm waiting for it to dull itself out so that things can go back to normal and I can stop bothering the shit out of everyone around me and annoying the hell out of myself. If you feel like this might be a good option for you, though, then please don't let me stop you. I'm just here to be honest. 

Tuesday 25 October 2016

Part Two of "I'm Lost": Sexual Health Clinics...Yeah

Somewhere along the lines of "she looks like what Trump's daughter SHOULD have come out looking like" is what I imagine I've been known as, if I've been known at all, but lately I seem to have magically become sexually active. Odd, I think I'm just coming across desperate men or men who are too scared to say no to me and I'm actually hoping it's more of the latter. 

After my second pregnancy scare, I decided "You know what would be a good idea instead of trusting condoms not to break? Contraceptives!". I took an emergency one on the day I went to my first sexual health clinic. Isn't that a milestone? 

Firstly...okay, firstly. It's obvious why everyone is there. It's something to do with sexual health. Obviously. The room was filled with young women, in almost every seat in the waiting room, despite being an hour away from closing time. Like, heavens, why. 

On the plus side, free WiFi. 

I already knew what I was going on - the implant, otherwise known as "The Rod". If you are unaware of what this is, it's a small little rod-like device that goes underneath the surface of your skin and realeases a tiny bit of progesterone (I think!) every day and that prevents your ovaries from releasing eggs, I think? I had a leaflet...I have since lost the leaflet. 

We were sat in that room for an uncomfortably long time while I complained to the guy I fucked that I hated being a woman because sometimes I HATE BEING A WOMAN. Fuck. 

I then came across a guy I knew in school, awkward encounter in an awkward place. I just passed him and he wanted to greet me and I was like "yeah...hi" and walked passed him to go into this little room where I was weighed, measured (height, not dick) and had blood pressure taken. Man, those things feel like they're trying to squeeze my arm off or something. 

Theeeeeeen, more waiting. And more waiting. It was horrible. 

I was called into another room eventually, where a nice little lady asked me a bunch of really personal questions (mostly medical). Some were like "You got a boyfriend?". Bitch, no. I had to take a pregnancy test  and then we went back outside and then FINALLY we were called in. 

I had to lie on my back (I do too much of that lately, clearly...) and they inject you with a numbing gel. Once that happens, they insert the rod and give you a little card for you to take it out in 3 years. YAY. 

I have to wait six days for the hormone to be released and after that...oh, God. Mood swings and changes in my period is what I'm meant to expect and I'm fairly nervous about what's going to happen to me. HELP ME, I DON'T WANNA DIE. I mean...not that much, anyway. 

Overall experience: like a 7/10, a please don't make me do it again. 

Part One of "I'm Lost": FUCKING MEN

I'm in a surprisingly good mood considering my life situation, so I don't think being lost is a bad thing. I don't need to be found, I'm a motherfucking woman, I got this. Albeit, I'm wearing a Walking Dead t-shirt with tea stains on it (jokes, they're my tears) and no pants because I haven't washed clothes in a week but I am still a woman and I still got this, ok? Okay!

Okaaaaaaay, let's catch up where we left of. When was my last post? A comic book review on Oddly Normal? Clearly, shit was much more together back then. I don't think I could handle the amount of thought collecting reviewing takes to happen now, no sir. I mean...ma'am, I am indeed on the Anti-Man Train (oh look, we're just passing the 'I don't know what a joke is' Island, prepare to crash, arrrrrrgh!).

So my last post was on the 6th August, which means I haven't written on here since before my 20th birthday! Well well well, I have absolutely no idea what has happened in almost 3 months but I guess I can try sum it up for you (and also sum up why things have been a bit shit and why this is my first happy day in so long):

-One: FUCKING MEN

Okay, I'll try to make this short. Back when I was 15/16, I met a guy on an online dating website (I was fifteen, fucking hell past Lorna, what's wrong with being single and alone and crying into a glass of vodka?! Nothing). We'll call him Fucking Twat. We got talking through those stupid question-and-answer things, it was all rather public, and I was with someone else at the time. Let's call him...Ding-Dong-Dick. Well, Ding-Dong-Dick was rather controlling. He would check my social media all the time, block people he didn't like and when I checked his it was empty because it was deleted by not me because I'm not a motherfucking cunt.

Well, Ding-Dong-Dick was not very smart and didn't block Fucking Twat because I guess he thought we were too good friends to ever create a relationship and, on hindsight, he was probably right. We created an excellent Relationshit, though.

So, Ding-Dong-Dick was kicked to the curb (see you, sucker!) and I got with Fucking Twat. We had so many problems - we would argue basically everyday. This kept on for eight months, and then he broke up with me and blocked me and went with my best friend at the time who I now call Flake. No reason, she just suits it.

Skip ahead two-ish years, we started speaking again and I was like hey,maybe he's changed (HAHAHAHAHA) and I do genuinely like this guy so lets start something and start something we did. We lasted from September 2015 until late January of 2016. I broke up with him this time because this woman was getting a bit of control (well...not really).

I met him in February, stayed with him for two days and went home. We did not yet have sex, but I'll get to that. We got back together, but he was being really weird for like a week and then he left me and because I'm so insecure my instant reaction was HE HATES ME BECAUSE OF HOW I LOOK, I'M SO UGLY and yes I am a mess on the inside and out but really, he wasn't good enough for me.

From this point on, I was hung up on my phone constantly talking to him and if he went 2-3 days with talking I would get really upset and sad and snap at everyone. I was turning into my mother by the day and it was really not okay!

Skip to...oh, I don't know, where was I? I think it was June, I was drunk (lol why) and sitting outside some public toilets in the train station. Some guy I really liked messaged me and was like "look I found another woman, we're having sex and u suck". Again, really insecure so I went running back to my ex-boyfriend because he was STILL THERE and it just goes downhill after this point, what am I doing with my life.

So in...July, I visit him for 3 days. It cost me £50 for a 14hr coach journey there and a 14hr coach journey back home. I was meant to stay for longer, but his roommates were like "oh nooooo no no!". THAT'S NOT EVEN THE STUPID PART, WAIT A SECOND. We had sex. He used a condom, but then we were like "...nah" and just didn't. Spoiler: no STD, no pregnancy, we good. It really fucking hurt, okay. Lol, anyway.

I went home and after about a week, I spent ANOTHER £50 to go down and see him for a week. Started and ended as a disaster. He was terrible at hiding things. Another girl was involved, basically, we'll jump to that. Nothing happened, I was on my period the entire time I was up there which really was a beneficial thing.

Fucking Twat was very...I don't know, I am a princess ok and he put me down a lot for whatever decision I made, statement I said, movies I've watched. Made me feel like crap. The day after my birthday (8th), I was on my way to my grandparents when I was like "ok, listen...I don't need you in my life or want you here, so be on ur way" and alas Fucking Twat was gone and I WAS FREE. The Dobby of the free world without the death and the serious injuring.

Was this the end of my man problems? NOPE.

That VERY EVENING I made a Tinder account. Yep. I stooped that low. I was quite upset and lonely, honestly just looking for some friends. The first evening, I met a dude. Lets call him Even Flakier than Flake. He, like me, had autism and I was so happy to hear this. I was thinking "yes, this could turn into a friendship or maybe even something more..." and I don't really remember much about him, just the fact he saw my boobs and we had a lot of Skype dates and he seemed a little too hung up on sex. We got together, lasted like four days, and "broke up". That was the end of that.

Throughout this whole facade, I found another guy. I named him Nemo because of his limpy leg and this one, I talked to for long enough that I started developing feeling for him. It was only about 2 weeks ago we stopped talking. He didn't want to talk anymore because"waaah how can I fuck u when u live so far away, waaaah", like fine fuck you, go get lost again and this time no-one will find you, ya cunty clownfish.

Basically, I have finally reached a point in my life where I can say: being single is not as bad as people make it out to be and if anyone needs me, I'll be eating my way through Ben and Jerry's (I bought 2 pots. TWO. I live a wild life here, kids, bad role model for u babies). 

Friday 5 August 2016

Oddly Normal Vol 1 (#1-5) by Otis Frampton | Review and Discussion | Spoiler-Free



I know I usually talked about books on here, but recently I have found myself to be in a bit of a reading slump (aside from The Cursed Child, no reading slump would have kept me away from that) and fell towards something I don't think I have explored before - comics/graphic novels. I did try to get into a few Japanese ones that were available at my school a long, long time ago and just never really enjoyed them. Later on, I came across a Coraline graphic novel but I hated the art style. DC/Marvel comics were never available to me, and I always got confused with the #52, etc, sorta thing. I'll get more into DC/Marvel in future posts, though.
 

I found out about Image Comics through a YouTube channel you've undoubtedly heard of, Comicsorian, which does little "everything that has happened so far" recaps on comic books and hilariously done dramatic readings. They did a recap video on a little series named I Hate Fairyland (read it here), which automatically appealed to me for 3 reasons: The art style was exactly my cup of tea and very similar to Oddly Normal, here, which is why I clicked on Oddly Normal and read the first volume; it was the opposite of usual stories you hear about, where little girls go into whole new worlds and are amazed by the wonders; and thirdly, fairies. I love me some fairies. Again, I will go into a discussion about this comic book series in a future post.
 
Long story short, I loved I Hate Fairyland and instantly went on a search though Image Comics until another one of them appealed to me, of which I found this and was not let down. It was very similar, in more then one way.
 
Oddly Normal (yes, that's her name) is a half-witch living with her very peculiar mother and perfectly mundane father in what appears to be a small castle. She's consistently teased at school for having green hair, pointed ears and being called Oddly Normal. One day, her birthday, she comes home and decides she's had enough of this life but specifically she's had enough of her parents. She blows out the candles and wishes that they would just disappear. And they do. Her aunty, arriving late and therefore not being dragged away with the castle, decides that to keep her safe she must bring Oddly back to Oddly's mothers hometown Fignation. So yes, this is a middle-grade novel, but still very much enjoyable for ages of all kinds I would say.
 
It contains monsters, witches, aliens, you name it yet the characters are oddly relatable and fun and quirky, just very likable. The world of which Fignation is set in is just gorgeous. Stunning. I wish I could at least visit there, it's beautiful. It has a very space kind of vibe, while also being very Wonderland-y, and also reminds me of Meet the Robinsons for some reason - it's like Back to the Future, too. Just, trust me! The art style just has incredible detail, suits the mood of where the story is heading and the colour palettes are phenomenal.
 
I am highly excited for what the next volume will bring, which I believe is already available so I'm going to try and find that to read straight away!
 
Thanks to reading comics by Image, I have found it easier to read comics by DC/Marvel and have mostly stuck to rebirth/New 52 comics (much to my friends' annoyance, he gave me a full chronological list on all his favourites and I went and broke my phone so that it was all lost - oops!). I highly recommend them!

Wednesday 3 August 2016

Movie Review | 2016 | Captain America: Civil War | Spoiler-Free


 
 
For those of you who didn't previously know, I have another blog called Reel Talk (clever name, I know) where I very, very occasionally posted a 'review' of some random movie I decided to watch on Netflix. I now have Amazon Prime, so I have more options to choose from, which is exciting but anyway getting off the track. I decided to just post them on this blog, because this blog clearly has no organisation whatsoever and it's a pretty good representation of my life and isn't that what blogging is all about, yeah? I'd just rather have everything in one place then keep switching between blogs and I never stay fluid on the other blogs (that suggests I do here but ha, no).
 
 
Year: 2016
Rating: PG-13
Directors: Anthony and Joe Russo
Studio: Walt Disney Pictures
 
 

Starring:

 
Chris Evans as Steve Rogers/Captain America
Sebastian Stan as Bucky Barnes/Winter Soldier
Jeremy Renner as Clint Barton/Hawkeye
Elizabeth Olsen as Wanda Maximoff/Scarlet Witch
Robert Downey. Jr as Tony Stark/Ironman
Anthony Mackie as Sam Wilson/Falcon
Chadwick Boseman as T'Challa/Black Panther
Paul Rudd as Scott Lang/Ant-Man
Tom Holland as Peter Parker/Spider-Man
Scarlett Johansson as Natasha Romanoff/Black Widow
Don Cheadle as James Rhodes/War Machine
Paul Bettany as Vision
 
 
My memory is awful, so I can't remember the first two movies very well at all. Which is fine, I really love Captain America movies so I have zero problems in rewatching them at some point. Just to clear that up.
 
Okay, the first half of this movie was kind of dull. There was a lot of bickering between the members of the group, of course, but the real action and comedy and good stuff took place in the second half of the movie. Also, Spider-Man! *coughs* the action scenes were so well choreographed. It was pretty swell to see a different side to Ironman then the one we usually see, although this Tony Stark/Ironman also did appear in Iron Man 3 where he was an anxious mess for at least the start of the film. It was more human, and a lot less snarky - although I do love that about him, I'm not going to lie.
 
Captain America also showed a lot of his emotional side in this movie, that I am a fan of, but to me he always came across as an emotional person anyway. Although, he threw his human decency out the window, so good job, Cap'n. Good job.


This movie was just chaotic and dramatic in all the good ways. It was utter mayhem and very entertaining, especially throughout the second half for me. The same can't be said for this review, I'm very out of practise as I haven't even written in my journals properly for a while. At least not frequently, so I apologize, I'm getting the hang of it.
 
But I think I found a lot of it dull was because it was obviously very political heavy. This focused on the division of the Avengers team, due to a change in their government status. Don't let that put you off, though, as it was a fantastic addition to the Captain America movies. Possibly the best trilogy since my favourite till the day I die, the Spider-Man trilogy featuring Toby McGuire.
 
Anyway, I'm going to leave you with this messy review here and see you next time. I don't blame you if you don't come back, ha! Bye!

Wednesday 15 June 2016

Orlando


I am not gay. 

I didn't personally know any of these people that went to the Pride club. I don't even know what their names were. I don't know what their ages were. I don't know what they looked like. 

What I do know is that they were people. Maybe one of them played keyboard on weekends, hoping that one day he'd make it as a musician and sang along to all of his favourite hits as they came on the radio. Maybe one of them loved to play video games and didn't have a job and still lived with his mother, but he didn't have to be hugely important to a grand number of people in order to be satisfied with his life and who he was. Or maybe I'm just making up stories about who they were, maybe they weren't all nice people. Of course, not all of them would have been. 

Did that mean that they deserved to die, especially for their sexuality? Certainly not. 

I've been finding it difficult to continue on with my life like nothing happened. I just can't. I really can't imagine what the family members or friends or even old classmates must be feeling right now. I can't fathom the pain they must be going through just because one or more people thought it was necessary to take them from the world, because he deserved to be here more than any of them. Clearly. He obviously thought that this loss of life was worth it. 

I somewhat feel sorry for him. He is absent of love. He is filled with so much hatred that he can't let God in, he can't love the way we do. He can't see the world with anything but burning hot coals. He wants to destroy. For what reason? I don't know. I want him to be crippled up in pain right now, I want it to tear him alive as he rots in a cell. Something tells me he's probably proud of what he's doing, and the life he has taken. 

It wasn't worth it. 

Here I am to say that you can make a difference. Hannah Hart recently made a video on gun laws and how they need to be stricter so people who are unstable can't get their hands as easily on a gun. To make them a lot less accessible, so we can prevent from doing this in the future, and how we may be small but together we are big and together, we can make a difference. 

Prayers are no longer enough. Thoughts are no longer enough. 

We have to take action. 

Whether that be spreading positivity around wherever you go, fighting for LGBT rights as hard as you can or maybe it's just tweeting to the members of state that we need to see a change and we need to see that change soon. Ask yourself. Is it really worth the loss of more life? Innocent life. No. No, it's not. 

All I can ask from you is that you spread around love. Tell everyone that you love and care for them because it might be the last time you ever see them again. We live in a world where we can not guarantee they will walk through the door healthy and happy. Appreciate today, we don't know what tomorrow will bring. 

I am beyond devastated, I have no words. 

Fight for rights.

(and pictured above is a rainbow flag I saw on my way to college this morning, in support of LGBT rights after the shootings of Orlando. I thought it was beautiful and I don't care how late I already was, or how dumb I looked, I couldn't not take a picture, right? Right)

As for Christina Grimmie, I have watched her channel grow from the 100's to 3 million. I watched her go from the Emo haircut phase in front of an old camera with her keyboard and a gaming poster in the background to the beautiful woman she was getting so high in her career and making something of herself. I know that if she was alive today to witness the Orlando shootings, she would have been making a big difference in trying to help them because that's who Grimmie was. A very helpful and kind and compassionate lady. I don't think even the most hateful of people would be able to say a single bad word against her. She just wasn't the kind of person you could do that to. 

The world has taken a beating this week. Please do not add to the suffering. Be kind. Be loving. Be generous. Do not be afraid to be you. Do not worry about being small. You can and will make a difference to the world, if you only believe in yourself. 

Loz x

Friday 3 June 2016

Summaries of Books I Read in May!

Some people may consider a May wrap-up posted in the early days of June a little late, but better late than never. Funnily enough I already had this pre-written (mini reviewing them a little bit as I slugged along) but I accidentally deleted the entire thing. Yup. This is a common occurrence in my college, too., even with the added detail of saving them on back-up USB's. Shit just happens to me. 

Anywho, here is my late but still beefy (can vegetarians say beefy?) wrap-up. 

The Unlikely Pilgrimage of Harold Fry by Rachel Joyce. 

Pretty much exactly what you would expect from a book with Harold and Pilgrimage in the title, this is about an old man trekking across the whole of the UK to get to his lost friend from years ago, Queenie. She had sent him a letter to explain that she was dying of cancer, and like a normal person he did aim for a post box to reply...and ended up never stopping. He had this child philosophy that if he could walk across the whole of the UK to get to Queenie before her death, she would survive cancer. 

It's a very heart-warming story, got a little in depth about the way we live our life and how other people live theirs. Most importantly, it focused on how we are all going through something difficult and we are all fighting a battle - we're just all fighting different ones. I thought it was beautifully written. Could have done with a few pages being cut off, but the writing style was great, it was funny and sad and philosophical (in an entertaining, un-boring way). If you've been considering it, do check it out. 

The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini. 

If by chance you have no idea what this book is about (where do you live, on the island that all these vegans keep getting sent to?), then I am here to tell you. Amir is a little boy, I think 12. He is the son of a rich man, and this rich man is best friends with a poor man who is on the side of Muslims that are looked down upon for who they are. He has a poor son. I forgot their names, if you couldn't tell. A month is a long enough time period for all of that to blur, despite it being a really memorable and heart-warming book that my broken black hole still hasn't recovered from. Amir and The Poor Son are best best best friends. The Poor Son will do anything for Amir - not that Amir can say the same back. One day, The Poor Son goes through something dreadful (that Amir had the power to stop) around about the same time the Talibans come to Afghanistan. It all goes shit-hit-the-fan after that. 

I expected this book to be very deeply informative, have a lot of background history and unnecessary descriptions - it didn't. The writing style was great. It focused on something incredibly important. Not that I was every against helping refugees, but this book would have made me change my mind if I was. It was simply awesome.

The Many Worlds of Albie Bright by Christopher Edge

Oh, no! The good reading month does not end there. While in a supermarket the other day, I spotted this very beautiful book (of which you can read my short little review on here) for pretty cheap. It's about a little boy called Albie, who has scientists for parents. One day, his mother dies of cancer and Albie aspires to try his best to find her through the magic of parallel world teleportation. It's funny, cute, and a little sad in some parts. Do go read it, you won't regret it. (the author himself read by review and commented about it on Twitter, as a by the way, still screaming)

The Lie Tree by Frances Hardinge 

Again, if you want something a little bit more in depth, I also did a review of this book here - see, mum, I've been somewhat productive outside of college. 

This is about a girl called Frances who is a feminist superhero, really. Little did I know that this is historical-fiction (and I'm glad I didn't know, because there's a very small chance I would have picked it up otherwise). It was based around the death/murder of Frances' father (a natural scientist). Nobody will believe anything she says because A) she is a child and B) she is a female child. She goes into the course of action by herself. She also discovers that her father has been hiding secrets of his own. 

I adored the shit out of this book. I thought it was odd, well woven together, fantastic character development and depth, amazing writing style. It was just a really good book, and a book I definitely did not regret. 

Shatter Me by Tahereh Mafi

I think everyone knows about what this book is about. It's a YA book of a girl who is locked away because she can kill people with her touch. It's basically a romance story, very little dystopian, but it has so many YA traits that I felt really annoyed with it. The writing style was really really good and I finished it in two days with ease, but the actual content was hit and miss. I still don't know what I feel about it and whether or not I will continue with the series, but it's leaning more on the probably not side for me. I am curious about why everyone loves Warner, though. 

The Vegetarian by Han Kang. 

I still need to write a review on this but guess who keeps forgetting. It was a very weird weird book, but it was absolutely incredibly and quickly one of my favourite reads of the year - maybe even ever. It follows a girl who's name I have already forgotten, married to a bit of a dick. She's very, very normal. Painstakingly normal. One day, she has an odd dream and turns vegetarian but this bizarre event doesn't stop there - she falls down the rabbit hole of mental illness, told in an honest and beautiful way. If you haven't, please do consider reading this. It was gold. 

Room by Emma Donoghue. 

Everyone got to this little gem before me, regretfully so! This is the tale of a woman, "ma" (and in the movie, she was named Joy), who was stolen at the age of 19 and kept captive by Old Nick and raped - she gave birth to a baby boy named Jack, who is the narrator of the story. It's rare that I read books narrated by children, so I found that prospect interesting in itself. It was funny in parts, really sad in other parts. Gloriously entertaining, I finished this quickly. I want to re-read it and I only just put it down. 

Liesl and Po by Lauren Oliver

This follows a little girl named Liesl who was trapped in an attic by her vicious stepmother after the death of her father. One day, a mysterious ghost appears named Po and neither one of them know why. It soon becomes clear that mystery and magic lies underneath everything they know, and they're determined to find it out together. After finding out why Lauren wrote the book (and if you want to know, do ask in the comments, but I would prefer not to know these details beforehand so I won't do so to anyone else), I found this story even more beautiful and heartbreaking. I gave this a 5/5 and highly recommend it (even though it does have flaws, like every other book out there).



Thank you ever so much for reading, what did you read this month? I would love to know. Check back in with you soon. Probably. 


Saturday 14 May 2016

My First Graze Box!

My aunt is a great lover of Graze boxes, a UK subscription box that sends healthy alternative snacks of your choice to your doorstep as regularly as you want. I sound like a commercial, but I just love what they stand for and how they create biodegradable and recyclable (and beautiful!) packaging, and surprisingly tasty snacks. 

The type of box I got was a variety box for free, because I had a voucher code delivered to me with my National Geographic monthly subscription (an 18th birthday gift from my other aunt that she hasn't cancelled yet, so thank you!). The other types of boxes I believe you can get are dip and dippers boxes, bakery boxes, jerky boxes, chocolate boxes, flapjack boxes, light box (all under 150 calories), protein boxes, sugar count boxes, pure boxes (heavily nutritional), savoury boxes, sustain boxes (snacks that give you sustainable energy), aromatic broth boxes, and popcorn boxes. You can also get special edition boxes - protein top-up boxes and tea boxes (!!!!!!!!). 

I swear I'm not sponsored (I wish!)


(cute!)


I just really love the packing so I quickly want to share it before I go into what I think about the snacks. I think it's really cute and I have no idea what to use this box for in the future, but I can't bare to throw it away!



I love to see that, inside, the lovely packaging continues. It gave me two £5 vouchers for Graze for friends (lets be real though, what bookworm teenager has that many friends!). It also contains a Welcome to Graze type of booklet, and an information sheet on what each snack contains. Which is really handy, I wasn't expecting it, I thought I would have to Google that. 


So the snacks I received was Jam Doughnut, Louisiana Wild Rice and Beans, Apple and Cinnamon Flapjack and Peanut Butter Pretzels. 

Jam Doughnut. 

This contains raspberry fruit strings, raspberry infused cranberries, almond slivers and vanilla sponge drops. Suitable for vegetarians. Not suitable for vegans - contains egg and milk. 

This was completely different to what I expected. I knew I wouldn't like the almond, and that I didn't. However, raspberries are one of my favourite fruits (berries in general, really!) and they didn't disappoint. So much flavour! It was just a burst of beautiful, juicy goodness and I wish I could just go to the supermarket and buy whole bags of it. It tasted like candy, almost, but healthy. The sponge drops I was hesitant about because I really can't say I'm a fan of vanilla. The smell in a candle is nice an' all but any other involvement of vanilla, not fond about. These were really crunchy and flavoursome, though, and I was surprised to find how much I liked them.


Wild Rice and Beans. 

Contains wild rice sticks and chilli broad beans - suitable for vegetarians and vegans. 

I admit I was hesitant about trying these. I'm not a huge fan of beans, or chilli, but I am a pretty big fan of wild rice. This was the first snack I tried and I was surprised to find out they were crunchy, and they complimented each other beautifully. I'm not a fan of spicy food, but these weren't really spicy - they just had a little bit of a kick, and the wild rice sticks helped mellow it out and add a bit of a herby flavour to it. This might be disappointing to spice lovers, though. I really want to try this again!


Apple and Cinnamon Flapjacks. 

Apple and Cinnamon Flapjacks - suitable for vegetarians. Not suitable for vegans - contains honey and margarine. 


I didn't like these very much. I knew that I wouldn't, because I don't like cinnamon. I've never really liked cinnamon. It tastes a lot like apple pie and what Christmas smells like. If you like that kind of thing, I would recommend them because I believe they sell singles of these around and about if you go looking for them. I'm just not very interested in these at all and ate one bite, then gave the rest to my friends (who very much enjoy cinnamon!).  


Peanut Butter Pretzels. 

Contains 100% peanut butter and lightly salted pretzel sticks - suitable for vegetarians and vegans. 

Again, I knew I wouldn't like it because I don't like peanut butter. I threw it away because nobody else in my household likes peanut butter, either, but I do have this to say about it - it would taste amazing if peanut butter is your thing. It was a rough textured blend, and tasted like peanuts instead of the creamy and icky peanut butter taste. It wasn't bad at all, and I did really enjoy the pretzels (just with my own dip) but I just...really don't like peanuts.

I hope you enjoyed this. Because each snack would be about £1 (this box would be £3.99 if I paid for it) I think it's a little too expensive for my budget right now, but maybe sometime in the future when I have a job or something because it certainly was a pretty good subscription box. What do you think about Graze or any of the snacks that I have mentioned? 

Thursday 12 May 2016

Good Ol' Sadness || Cheering Up

We all feel sad. Some of us have depression, like me, where we find ourselves falling into our own dug graves so deep we sometimes lose hope that we won't ever get back out. I'm currently in this rut, I won't lie. By writing this post, I not only want this to build me a ladder of motivation to get out but I hope this will be a little helping hand for those of you who stumble across this - I know I have one or two new followers, so hello and welcome! 

Remember Your Responsibilities


Wait, what?! I can't just sit in my bed watching Netflix, crying and eating French Fries?! No, no you can't. I find this to be a common thing with me where, even just thinking about the things I need to do, I want to retreat back to my bed and ignore the world and pretend like they don't exist. The only problem is that they do, and the more you ignore them the more they build up and add to your existing current problems. Taking care of things like remembering to wash your dishes, pay your bills, and go to school/college/work when you need to will be a weight off your shoulders in the long run and will help you feel productive. It will even give you a focus point, if you drive a lot of energy into making sure you don't run behind with things that need to be done. 

Look After Yourself!


Unsurprisingly, when you feel like you're just waiting until the world ends, you often forget or lack the energy or the care beans to look after yourself. Showering everyday, sleeping at night, eating healthily and exercising, doing your work, taking any meds for your mental health or your physical health needs. I don't personally take medication, but I know so many people who do and just forget. Oh, and drinking plenty of water! Keeping the body of where the brain is stored healthy will eventually result in a little bit more spoons and a little bit more happiness. Eating nothing but Ben and Jerry's ice cream and slouching in your pyjamas on the sofa is going to do nothing but make you feel more crappy. Get into some goals and see this as an excellent opportunity to get healthier. 

Pursue/Find New Hobbies


Personally, I used to love to write and to read and to bake and to take walks and to spend time with animals at rescue centres via volunteer work, but all of this got clouded and when my life fell apart I realized all I really felt like I had left was Once Upon a Time: Season 3. I thought about how I used to have plenty of hobbies, and when I joined college and had a bit of a life change it got pushed to the side. You can always create hobbies if you've never really had any that you've always wanted to do but haven't had the time or the wants to, now is your chance! - learning to play an instrument, improving/learning how to draw, make a video, do something you've wanted to do for a long time. Stop making excuses. Yesterday, you said tomorrow. JUST DO IT!

Be a Positive Person 


I think a good example is Lilly Singh (iisuperwomanii from YouTube) or Emma Blackery, who stopped being involved in negative things like drama. By positive, I understand being depressed means you won't be positive - if you could do that, you wouldn't be depressed. What I mean is say positive things, be nice to people, talk about motivation and friendly quotes and just be so, so nice. Being a nice person will make you feel a little better about yourself. Trust me. Stop paying attention to negative things, stop replying to negative people and just do your thing. You'll thank me later.

Don't Force Yourself 


This doesn't apply to things that need to be done but if it's something like - in my case - completing a monthly reading goal, if you don't feel like picking up that book to read you can try it and if you're really just not into it, you don't have to. Make sure you're looking after yourself. 


I really hoped some of these helped you, they're helping me a little bit, and do let me know what little things you do to make yourself feel better when your life has fallen to shit.  

Wednesday 11 May 2016

Review || The Lie Tree by Frances Hardinge


The Lie Tree is a dark and powerful novel from universally acclaimed author, Frances Hardinge. It was not enough. All knowledge- any knowledge - called to Faith, and there was a delicious, poisonous pleasure in stealing it unseen. Faith has a thirst for science and secrets that the rigid confines of her class cannot suppress. And so it is that she discovers her disgraced father's journals, filled with the scribbled notes and theories of a man driven close to madness. Tales of a strange tree which, when told a lie, will uncover a truth: the greater the lie, the greater the truth revealed to the liar. Faith's search for the tree leads her into great danger - for where lies seduce, truths shatter ... 

I admit I always find it difficult to write book reviews, especially when I'm currently reading a book and my mind is involved in that world. I tend to forget quite a lot of information about the book, but honestly, Lie Tree is one that is hard to forget and I think fully deserves the positive review that it's about to receive. This book is also going to be one that's hard to review purely because of it's brilliance. How can you dull down this bright, shining sun to a thousand little fairy lights in order to explain why it's brilliant? 

The first thing I want to write about first is its vivid, complex plot. I found it difficult to summarise this in my Goodreads review, as it seems to weave quite effortlessly several different plots/themes without it being confusing, without any of them taking the focus off another, without over-doing or over-dragging the story at all. 

It seems to be a historical-fiction detective novel, where Faith tries to research the mystery surrounding her fathers' death and the history behind the tree and of all the characters surrounding her. It speaks about lies and the truth, and their significance, and how even the things that seem obvious aren't obvious at all. It covers undying love and loyalty, as even when Faiths father in his life treated her the way that he did, she never stops being loyal to him. It never dwindles or dies, and in the relationships with other characters (not just Faith with others, either), you can see this is an ongoing theme. It seems to cover revenge, hot-headed and cold revenge in all its brutality. It's a feminist masterpiece, as it focuses on how women have been invisible throughout history and Faiths pure determination to not let the fact she's a girl bordering on a woman stop her from achieving what she wants. 

Not just that, but the characters have amazing depth and complexity. They're real. They pop out at you, they take their own into your mind and create themselves. I feel like Frances purposely put description to a minimum as we don't even know Faith's hair colour for a majority of the book. That's one of the many things that amazes me about this novel. Appearances hardly seem to matter - ironically.  

The settings were equally vivid, and really added that darkness and despair feel to the book. It added that creepy aesthetic that really pulled the whole thing together. It's hard to believe this book had been categorized under "Children's Literature" because the skill of this is up at a level I expect adult, 900-page books to be. I was blown away, I found it unputdownable and you bet your butts I'm going to read other books by her - even though this one has frequently been described as her best to date. 

Overall, I rated this a 4/5 stars (only because some parts of this book didn't make sense, but the amazing of the rest of the book blinded this completely) and would recommend this to anyone. It has something in it for everyone. If this can be used a Bible on how to present female characters, that would be wonderful.