More Complaining, Sorry

I actually really like the new blogger layout. Do you know when you first go onto the website and it has that...starter page? My brain is mush, I'm trying here, I just have to hope you get what I mean. If you don't blog but you just like to read blogs (in which case, how unusual to me!) then you really won't know what I'm talking about but its neat. 

So, what I wanted to complain about. Well, everything, today was shit. I know it's Thanksgiving tomorrow for America and in case I don't post anything tomorrow than happy Thanksgiving (not entirely sure what my viewpoint is on Thanksgiving, especially with everything going on lately, but I wish you a good day regardless). 

I had a...disagreement with a friend about two weeks ago. Started with me saying a joke to my boyfriend. Said boyfriend, because he's a bit of an idiot sometimes, shared this with said friend because he thought she would find it funny. She actually said (the friend) a few weeks before this that the kind of joke I said (dark humor) made her uncomfortable and she didn't find it funny which is perfectly fine so I haven't. She saw the screenshot of the joke, thought it wasn't funny and told everyone and got really angry and turned into a bully. 

Because of this, she made into this really big deal and something I thought only happened in high school and not college, she started to spread rumors around. Some of the people she knows and some of her/her boyfriends (and also my boyfriends, they're cousins) family started giving me death glares, making mean comments, etc etc. She knows I'm autistic, and therefore knows my communication is bad so A) can easily be misunderstood and B) can't stand up for myself. I also can't make/keep friends very easily, so she knows my connections/friendship circle is extremely small. She's basically being a twat because she knows she can get away with it. 

I didn't want to do this because I thought we could (like fucking adults) settle it between the two of us and our boyfriends. I guess she wasn't okay with that, though, now she's turned it into a bigger issue by bringing more people into it. 

I get less sleep (don't take my sleep, god damn you) because I have a really early appointment in the morning with our...dude who deals with bullying. Again, my brain is mush. It's 8:15am. Yeah. After that, I don't finish until 4pm because I have work experience. I'm also four days behind on that, so that's another stress I have on my shoulders. Not a big one, but little rocks get really heavy. 

Basically, this whole thing made me realize I'm quite happy not having friends. I don't want to drag her down with me, but the whole point of seeing this officer is so I can hopefully get this to stop. I can try to. I don't really know what to do. I didn't want to get out of this bed as it was. 

-Tina groan-

Mental Health Appointment #1

If you read my post previous to this, you would know I am experiencing some mental health problems. I was referred to an assessment mental health specialist appointment this morning for 45 minutes and also received the information that this will be going on for six weeks to see whether or not I have depression.

I and most close to me understand that I do probably have depression and I feel somewhat under pressure for the next five weeks to make sure that this professional listens to me and what I have to say and hopefully we can come to the conclusion of a diagnosis and then following that (hopefully) getting the help that I need - although getting the help I need for social anxiety has not been an easy task, despite the diagnosis. I hope it'll help though.

She basically called out my name as soon as I got into the doctor's surgery where this appointment was being held. Bad thing because this meant calling attention to the people in the waiting room rather than the usual system, which is a little thing on the wall that beeps and then shows your name in lights and the room number you have to go to and wait outside of. Good thing because it meant not waiting in said room filled with people.

We went into a room and, basically instantly, I handed her the notes that I had made throughout the week that I had deleted and rewritten. I felt really stupid but apparently this was good because it helped her and she also didn't have to make extra notes, she could put it into her file to help come to a conclusion. She sort of read them out and I felt extremely nervous about that considering my mother was in the room with me. I might have to reconsider that decision next time.

We talked about all these problems I have been experiencing briefly but not in such great detail that I wanted to cry while discussing them. By the end of the appointment, we had set up another one for next week during the afternoon on either a Tuesday or a Thursday (you'll know when the update post goes up). It's set for another 45 minutes and, this time, I think I'll try to be more descriptive about my experiences with this.

Between now and then, I have to fill in a diary about my emotions and what I'm feeling, what I was doing at the time and things like that. I'm not sure what's relevant and what isn't relevant so again I feel a bit silly when I do have to hand it in, especially because it's so pathetic to me and a lot of people go through much worse things than "Oh, I was really anxious because I opened my door today", you know?

Anyway, I might post little snips of what the diary has in it and I might not. It depends, really, on how this week pans out. For now, though, I'll see you next time. 

A Mental Health Post

The fact I look bad is meant to add to the whole depression theme, in case you think "Ew, did she not see everything wrong with her face", I did!

I don't remember if I've spoken about this before. I have a terrible memory lately due to the mental health problems, but there is a somewhat bright side. After months of pestering and asking for an appointment, we finally received one for tomorrow morning at 10am. If I feel up to it, I'll post a brief description of how I feel it went even the same day or later on throughout the week. 

I have depression, severe social anxiety and high functioning autism. Throughout a majority of the time I have been diagnosed, I have not been taken seriously. I have had to resort to self-diagnosing myself with depression as the only appointment I could get to discuss this (which lasted roughly 30 minutes, and I barely said a word) they basically put it down to hormones/unfortunate circumstances and have been doing this for over four years now whenever I try to bring it up or book an appointment. Well, actually, I still live with my mother and my mother has to do it because I do have severe social anxiety and having an angry phone call isn't on my list of "Things I Can Do". 

After joining college for a higher level/second year, I feel pressures I did not feel last year and when the simplest of tasks often feel like climbing a mountain, help is something I desire. I have broken down more times than I would like to admit. It dents my pride. It makes me feel like I can't handle this or cope with this without help, and it's a horrible feeling. 

There's also things, without the depression, that would have been difficult to cope with anyway - for example, upcoming presentations and work experience. For people who also have bad social anxiety, they will nod and understand the difficulties these will present and for others they will see it as a potential challenge but something that isn't almost impossibly to overcome. 

So, back to the point (I once got a comment, months ago, saying my posts are 'bouncy' and don't flow properly and I can totally see that and, months later, I still haven't improved very much...) I have decided to write a list of problems I have been experiencing and just hand it to her, as I feel like this is easier than talking about it. It also prevents the inevitable, and that is crying whenever we focus or talk about a particular topic - which I almost do in every one of these few appointments I have received over the past few years. 

I also have to attend this appointment with my mother and I know she doesn't read this blog so I can say this: it prevents me from talking about things that have happened in my past that she was involved in or knew about through fear she will get defensive or angry. She is not a bad mother and she has not done anything extremely awful, ever, but she has not been innocent and I have not been entirely honest about this with health professionals. I also do not like talking about my dad in front of her as my honest opinions on him and his parenting can cause negative emotion in my mother and she doesn't always have the abilities to control her anger (not abusive to me or to anyone in the household, no worries there). Saying that, she has had some negative impact on me that I would say is a decent proportion of why I am the way I am today and I feel like, by holding this back, I am holding back an accurate diagnosis and getting the help that I need. I do need her there, though, as my social anxiety is so bad talking to strangers is often half-impossible. 

As a twenty-year-old, I feel like I should not be struggling like this when I don't even have a job (I am trying but they hard to come by) and do not have any obligations other than attending college and doing housework at home. I do not live by myself, yet. Depression/anxiety is hard, no matter what, though and I can't even focus on autism because I don't know what kind of impact autism is having on my life. It's hard to cut up my personality away from my autism, they are intertwined. 

Anyway, if you read this far, thank you for listening and if you have any mental health struggles whatsoever then I wish you luck! 

Dear New Readers

I doubt I have new readers. I don't even think I have readers at all, at this point. My posts only get about 11 views per post, but that happens almost instantly so I question whether those are even real people or just automatic computer monitoring or something? Occasionally I'll get a comment or a share and that inspires me to keep writing but I love writing so I'm sure I'd find something else to motivate me. I'm trying to write something in here everyday, however brief.

So, for new readers, I've decided to do an about me question-and-answer post. I have yet to update the tabs above this post that have an about me section on there but I'm sure by the time you get to this (if anyone ever does), then they will be updated. I used to run this blog with my then boyfriend, Austin, who I was in a serious relationship with. We broke up over a year ago now, but it still says "About Us" on it even though I have since then updated what is inside the tab. It used to be more of a book review and discussion type of blog and although I still do those from time to time it's more like a whatever I want to post type of blog. I don't think I need to add a genre although doing that would probably bring a target audience along if this blog has a specific topic or even purpose.

Anyway, before I ramble anymore and I'm not even being humorous let's get into this: (these were random questions taken from online and have no real order or anything, but that's a pretty good representation of me I think).

What is my Full Name?

Lorna Amranwen Parsons but I prefer to go by the nickname Loz and use my mothers last name, so Lorna Amranwen O'Connor. I think it not only sounds better but makes me somewhat make a statement that I'm more my mother than my dad.

What is Your Favourite Drink?

Coke or Tea (90% hot water, 10% milk in that order and obviously the teabag and the two and a half sugars go in first). I also really like smoothies and sometimes lemonade or Mountain Dew.

What is Your Favourite Song at the Moment?

"Can't Help Falling in Love With You" by Elvis, but really anyone who sings it well is a winner in my eyes.

What is Your Favourite Food?

Hmm...ooh, I don't know. I like food but I can't say I love it, I mostly just snack nowadays. I think probably Hunter's chicken (chicken wrapped in bacon and cheese and topped with BBQ sauce, usually served with fries or potato wedges or just a salad).

What is the Last Thing you Bought?

A Simpsons comic at my local charity shop. The excitement I felt when I saw them there on the shelf. There was also some Beano comics and my sister got one because my mother found one of her birth year and thought my sister would like it. Not sure if she does, I haven't yet asked!

Favourite Book of All Time?

I really don't have a favourite book. I love all books!

Favourite Colour?

Black, red, pink, blue.

Pets?

An almost 13yr old black feline named Tessa and I used to have a one year old called Boo, but she has since been...removed.

Foxy Tessa 

Favourite Perfume?

I never wear purfume although sometimes I do wear my mum's which comes in like a red apple bottle and I like it a lot.

Favourite Holiday?

Halloween and Christmas, I like to merge the two. Thank you, The Nightmare Before Christmas!

Are You Married?

I'm only twenty and I'm in a relationship but it's only been almost four weeks! I do hope to be married someday though.

How Many Siblings Do You Have?

My half-brother, Liam, 6. My sister, Catherine, 18.

Favourite Shop?

A really nice place called Vincent Davies and any charity stores, really.

Favourite Restaurant?

Weatherspoon's! Or Pizza Hut, maybe

When Was the Last Time You Cried?

Last night. Me and my now ex-best friend had a massive argument and I ended up having to block her and I'm still a bit upset about it, all a misunderstanding but she won't really listen and it was pointless waiting for her to calm down because I know her and her temper. She wasn't calming anytime soon.

Favourite Movie?

Anything Disney or Pixar, I probably love. Well, not too fond of The Little Mermaid but everything else I adore.

TV Show?

Once Upon A Time, Doctor Who, American Horror Story, Black Mirror, The Walking Dead, Breaking Bad...I love them all.

PC or Mac?

Never used an Apple computer so I'm going to go with PC.

What Phone Do You Have?

An IPhone 5S, I think it is?

How Tall Are You?

A short five foot seven!

Thank you for taking the time out of your life to read through this. It was very brief and quick, I know, but I want to answer more common and personal things in the About Me section of the tabs on this blog. I'll be updating it either later on tonight or I'll do it tomorrow morning before I head off to my college work experience! 

Contraceptive (Etonogestrel) Implant Updates: 3 weeks

I would have no idea where to start with this one, I really don't. I guess I will start with the contraceptive update and if you live in the UK, then you can read through this link if you're interested in knowing more about my contraceptive implant or read my previous post about the experience of getting it and my first experience at a sexual health clinic (quite the little miracle for someone who is twenty years old, I know). I'll be talking through the side affects of it, basically. 

The first thing I noticed when the hormone started to release was mild acne. I have never experianced problems with spots before, but recently my face is covered in tiny little red demon monster...things. I have to actually wash my face everyday instead of just a couple of times a week now. The audacity, what has my life turned into? Nothing but a sham. 

Shortly following that, I experienced cramps but not like my ordinary period, omg-I-want/need-to-die cramps. It was in a different area (where my ovaries are) and was more like a dull throb/ache then anything. It was manageable,but sometimes I became frustrated because the pain never seemed to take bathroom breaks. I also experienced some mild headaches and stomach aches, but again nothing that isn't manageable. 

I 'suffered' from nausea beforehand. I've never been that great with nausea. I just seem to attract it, probably because my diet is 70% shit and the rest is soda. Again, used to it. Slightly more amplified than previously. 

It lowered my sex drive slightly but because it was already abnormally high, all it really did was bring it down to a more manageable level and maybe my lack of pleasure coming in was what ultimately resulted in mood swings and depressive episodes shortly after the release of the hormone. It was also followed by an increase of nerves, which is not good for someone who already suffers from an anxiety disorder.

I'm waiting for it to dull itself out so that things can go back to normal and I can stop bothering the shit out of everyone around me and annoying the hell out of myself. If you feel like this might be a good option for you, though, then please don't let me stop you. I'm just here to be honest.